So, what does a guy like me do when the world is plunged into the grip of a deadly, terrifying plague?
Make a joke of it, of course.
The more people get miserable, the more I want them to laugh. So I started writing a funny story about a guy (me) going a bit troppo struggling with self-isolation.
Now, before I continue I just want to point out that I have not been offered, nor have I asked for any payment whatsoever for these stories. I have a good job and I’m relaying the stories purely for my own enjoyment and, hopefully, the enjoyment of others. And also because I think some of them are bloomin’ amazing!
I have mentioned my Syd Barrett song, and will probably mention one or two others. This is not because I’m trying to advertise them, but simply because they are inextricably linked to the stories I’m telling. There’s no money to be made, whatsoever.
The same goes for the above mentioned short story. In fact, quite the opposite. What with printing and postage costs, I estimate have probably spent a couple of thousand dollars on it without asking anybody for one solitary cent. The reaction I have received from a handful of eminent people has been the only “payment” I ever sought.
Having gotten all that mumbo jumbo out of the way, let me outline the story: As it was about a guy pretty much stuck at home alone I called it Mad About The House. If this brings to mind a 1970’s British sitcom starring Richard O’Sullivan, bravo!
It is subtitled One FLU Over The Cuckoo’s Nest, and states, “This is a true story. Only the FACTS have been changed.”
It tells the tale of a day in the life of a poor sod who thinks he’s been told to “sell Fysolate”. Confused as to what this particular product is, and going a little stir crazy being cooped up at home, he starts stressing out, to the point where he finds himself having conversations with inanimate objects in and around his house.
The reaction to Mad About The House among friends and work colleagues was so positive that I thought I’d try to get it out to a wider audience, and even try to get some famous people to read it and comment, in the hope that I could get some quotable quotes for the back page.
As the book was a comedy, my first thought was to send it to comedians who had made me laugh. This was always going to be tricky, as you rarely find famous people’s email addresses within reach of kooks like me!
But I was able to at least contact some of the comics’ agents, a couple of whom were happy to forward a PDF of Mad About The House to the comedian I sought.
I managed to contact the agent for Rowan Atkinson, who was quite upfront with me. She told me Rowan received so much fan mail that his policy was to read NONE of it. But if I still wanted to send it I could.
I did, and heard nothing. But even the thought of him having the slightest chance of laying eyes on my story had been tantalizing enough for me to give it a shot.
I had better luck with Atkinson’s Blackadder sidekick Tony Robinson. The now-knighted Robinson played Baldrick, he
of the many cunning plans.
Sir Tony’s agent kindly forwarded my Mad About The House PDF , and I was soon to receive this wonderful comment from him:
“Move over Chaplin, stand aside Eric Morecambe. A new comic master has arrived!”
Needless to say, that comment immediately made its way onto the back of the book.
Around the same time I had been in contact with a music journalist in the UK, Will Hodgkinson. As well as writing for newspapers and magazines, he appeared on a TV show called Rock Legends.
Because I’d sent a PDF to Atkinson and Robinson, I thought why not keep the “insons” going and send one to Will Hodgk inson?
Then I thought, what other famous “binsons” or “kinsons” are there? And it hit me. Of course! Famous celebrity interviewer Michael Par-kinson!
I contacted his company Parky Productions, explained the story, and said I would like to forward a PDF to Sir Michael, for no other reason than cos his surname ended in “kinson”. No, I didn’t say that! I said for no other reason than to give him a laugh, at a time when we all desperately needed one.
I was invited to email the PDF, and was thrilled to receive this response from the man himself: “Albert, I enjoyed your story and had a few laughs. Thank you for sharing.”
You guessed it. Straight to the back of the book!
Having had such a good response from knighted gentlemen I then decided to send copies to Englishmen whose names started with “Sir”.
I was able to post hard copies to both Sir David Jason (Granville from Open All Hours, “Del Boy” Trotter from Only Fools And Horses, Inspector Jack Frost from A Touch of Frost) and Sir Michael Palin (Monty Python’s Flying Circus and many travel documentaries).
I didn’t hear anything from David Jason, though his agent informed me the book had arrived. But Michael Palin’s secretary sent a message saying: “Dear Albert, Just to let you know that we have received your book and Michael has asked me to thank you for thinking of him. He will try to have a look when he gets a chance but is sorry that due to the large number of items that he receives each week, he is unable to send a personal message of thanks. Best wishes, Mimi.”
That was good enough for me!
As I said earlier these morsels, as tiny as they were, helped to make the whole Mad About The House (let’s call it MATH) project worthwhile. But there were still a few famous people I aspired to contact, with the receiving of a letter from one of them being one of the highest hopes of my life.
I’ll come back to that shortly, but my next target was former Icehouse, Pink Floyd, David Gilmour and Nick Mason’s Saucerful of Secrets bass guitarist Guy Pratt